LITTLE GIRL DREAMS -------------------------------- Written by: Nicole Mayer E-mail: destiny@wwdg.com January, 1999 Timeline: on way to New Pacifica -------------------------------- Author comments: My first story for 1999! This one is for BG, who asked so nicely; and for all J/Aers everywhere. This story was inspired in part by the wonderful fairytale movie "Ever After". Disclaimer: The characters and situations contained within are the property of Universal/Amblin Entertainment. No copyright infringement is intended. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Slowly, Julia opened her eyes. She smiled. Alonzo's strong arms were wrapped around her and a gentle stream of sunlight filtered through the open slit at the front of the tent. Dawn was breaking and the entire world outside seemed to be holding its breath. Julia was at peace, content, happy. She felt safe. Wanted. And then a tiny frown creased the corners of her mouth. Today was the day, today was the day that she would tell Alonzo. Julia didn't want to. It would change everything. She knew without question that this morning would be the last morning Alonzo held her in such a manner and a deep pang of regret shot through her body. Yet she had to hold fast to her decision. Things couldn't go on like this - she cared far too deeply for Alonzo to do that. Every day, Julia thought as she snuggled deeper into Alonzo's embrace for the last time, every day Alonzo did something else to make her love him even more. Love. There was that frightening word again. The word that was so hard to say and really mean it. Anything could be cried out during moments of passion, anything could be said in jest or as a sweet endearment. Those kinds of love didn't frighten Julia the way this one did. After all this time, Alonzo still hadn't told her, really, from the bottom of his heart in a moment of absolute sincerity, that he loved her. Julia hadn't said it either, even though her heart told her otherwise. And she knew that Alonzo most probably did love her, or at least care for her more than anyone else he'd ever met. He was the sweetest man, Julia reflected. Constantly they were becoming closer, with every gesture, every word, every look. He had been her lifeline these past few weeks, through their illness, through the loss of Devon and her futile struggle afterwards to find a cure. Alonzo was the one who kept her alive. Alonzo was the man she loved. And that was why it couldn't go on. It was wrong, all of it, built upon a lie of herself. Julia sighed sadly and this time Alonzo heard the sound. "Good morning," he whispered into her hair before gently nudging her face into a more kissable position. It was several long seconds before Julia was able to whisper a, "Good morning," herself. "Are you okay?" he asked. Damn him, Julia thought. Why did he have to be so sweet and endearing? His heavily lashed eyes looked up beseechingly at her and she fell in love with him all over again. "I'll be fine," Julia lied. "I was just thinking...of how different things could be." He looked at her, a question in his eyes. "If you hadn't broken your leg in the crash, do you think we'd be here now?" "Julia," Alonzo replied firmly, "From the moment I saw you on the Advance Ship I knew you were something special. Nothing would have stopped me getting to know you, even if I'd been fit enough to run all the way to New Pacifica myself." ~No, that was the wrong thing to say!~ Julia's inner self protested. It only gave strength to her decision, the one that she hadn't wanted to make. "Are you sure about that, 'Lonz?" she asked, her voice shaking just a tiny bit as she half sat up and pulled herself out of his embrace. Alonzo frowned and gently reached up to trace her jawline. "What's wrong, Julia?" He knew her so well. "You know I'd do anything for you." ~But do you love me?~ she wondered. "What if I'd responded to your advances right away?" Julia asked instead. "What if I'd flirted back and thrown myself at you?" Alonzo smiled. "You wouldn't have, Julia, because that's not you. I *know* you, I know that you're true to your beliefs. You have a pride in following what you believe is right." Tears appeared in the corners of Julia's eyes as his words cut deep. "I wasn't true to myself, Alonzo." Her words were barely audible. "That's why I have to tell you this. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, please believe me." Suddenly very worried, Alonzo nodded. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," continued Julia. "But I have to leave." Her eyes met his again and mutely pleaded for understanding. "I can't live with you anymore. I need space for a while, to think, to-" She broke off, seeing the anger cross Alonzo's face, but not before she saw the hurt. He sat up and scooted away from her, the shades slamming down fast over his heart which had always been so open to her. "I want to stay," Julia protested, "but I'm betraying myself. Please listen, Alonzo. Please." He sat there in stony silence, and upon realising that was the only response she would get, Julia began to explain. "Ever since I was a little girl, maybe even a baby, my life was planned out for me. I was going to be a doctor and bring pride to my family. I was going to grow up in a well-off family, having the best education possible, meeting all the right people and paving the way to a stellar career. I was to be my parents' little darling, perfect for public displays. All of this happened, Alonzo. It wasn't necessarily for the best but it did happen. It followed the plan and I was happy with all of this, so ingrained into my psyche had it been. My earliest memories are of my father calling me "Dr Julia, his little star"." Julia paused to take a deep breath. "There was more to it than that. Either at medical school or shortly after, I was supposed to meet another brilliant young doctor or someone similar. My parents didn't care if we fell in love or not, they just expected me to find someone suitable. Someone who they approved of and someone who would bring pride to the Heller family name." "And that's not me," Alonzo suddenly cut in. "Is that what it is, Julia? After all this time, you suddenly feel like you have to fulfil your parent's expectations? Or is it you, you've suddenly decided that I'm not good enough?" "No!" Julia protested vehemently. "It's not like that at all. Alonzo, I'm trying to tell you about my childhood. About my little girl dreams. Please listen!" she begged. He was already pulling on his clothes. "I think I've heard enough," he muttered. "You haven't heard the full story. Listen - I admit I agreed with my parents - that I would marry someone from my social class and have a brilliant future and children when the time was right. But I also believed that I would fall in love with this mystery man. We would start out by smiling at each other in halls. He would ask about me and I would ask about him. Slowly, we would begin to talk. And then one special night, he would ask me out to dinner." Julia was losing Alonzo, she knew it. He didn't want to hear about her childhood fantasies of which he was never a part. She began to speak even faster. "He would bring me flowers and we would spend days together, walking, talking, laughing - it was to be a true courtship of old- fashioned times." Alonzo paused. "You, Julia, a romantic? I never would have guessed." "There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Alonzo," she replied sadly. "Just because my chromosomes were tilted it doesn't mean all the romance was erased from my soul. I had just as many fantasies as the next, normal teenage girl. I wanted my prince charming. A man who would ask my father for permission before he proposed. A man who'd be happy with a long engagement and he would buy us a wonderful unit and our first night together would be one of wedded bliss." Finally, Alonzo understood. "I'm not him," he said bitterly. "I could never be your prince charming." "You could have been," Julia replied hesitantly. "It just all happened so fast. I was out of my mind the first night we were together...God, Alonzo, you should have realised that! And then it was like it was inevitable that we would get together, that we would end up *here*!" She punctuated her sentence with an angry gesture at their surroundings. "Do you know what my mother would say if she knew I was living with a man who'd never made any kind of commitment to me?" "I thought you didn't even care about your mother, she was the one who got you into the Council!" Alonzo shot back. "How dare you," Julia replied angrily. "I loved my mother. She might have been hard but she was my *mother* and nothing she ever did will take that away. I always wanted to please her but if she could see me now...." Alonzo held up his hands in a sign of defeat. "Okay, if that's the way you want it, then leave. Go find your prince although on this rock I don't think you'll have much luck!" Throwing on her day clothes, Julia fought back tears. Alonzo had missed the point *entirely*. She wanted *him* to be her prince, she wanted him to realise that. She wanted a commitment. Obviously, he wasn't ready and maybe he didn't even want it at all. "I'm going, Alonzo," she said, fighting to keep her voice steady. She threw a few things into a bag, realising she could come back to get the rest later when Alonzo was gone. It was time to move back to her med-tent, a safe, comforting haven where she could be the Julia of old. The Julia who was true to her childhood dreams which were still so much a part of her, even now. He didn't bother saying goodbye as she crawled out of the tent, keeping her head low so that no one could see the tears streaming down her cheeks. The day passed slowly for Julia, another day on the road that took them closer to their destination, but further from their heart. Wounds were still fresh from the tragedy at the old spacecraft and the growing summer heat did nothing to improve anyone's mood. Julia walked with Danziger that day, both silent as they wallowed in their own deep thoughts. Despite her own sadness, Julia did not regret her actions that morning. What she had said needed to come out between herself and Alonzo, and better sooner than later. Later, there might have been even more hurt. Nonetheless, she knew she would miss him terribly and cry herself to sleep for the next several nights. The price she paid for her own sense of self-worth was very high indeed. When the long shadows came and Danziger broke his silence long enough to call a halt, Julia found herself setting up her med-tent alone. It was something she hadn't done for a long time and the rest of the group hadn't yet realised that she and Alonzo had split for good. They probably all assumed it was a lover's tiff that would be fixed in no time. Not this time. Julia wearily dragged her bag inside (they travelled light in summer, most supplies were tightly bound to the transrover) and sank onto her bed. She was exhausted. Thankfully, she wasn't rostered to make dinner that night. Instead, Julia could sit alone and think. There was a knocking sound. Julia looked up, wondering where it had come from. It repeated itself and Julia pinpointed the noise as to having originated just behind the med-tent opening. She got to her feet and cautiously approached the entrance. Her prince was standing there, one hand uncharacteristically behind his back as the other knocked on a large metal case. He smiled and Julia felt her heart melt. She smiled back at him, a little hesitantly, but a smile. "Julia," he began, and then changed his mind as he brought his hand from behind his back and thrust a bunch of flowers towards her. "For you." Golden daisy-like flowers, the type that were scattered few and far between in this desert-like terrain, made an exquisite offering. From the size of the bunch, Alonzo must have been collecting them all day. Shifting from foot to foot like a nervous young beau, Alonzo cleared his throat twice and Julia suppressed a giggle. Where was the suave pilot she had met so many months ago? She didn't really miss him. "I was wondering, Julia, if..." "Yes?" She rewarded him with a pleasant, promising tone. "Would you like to go out to dinner with me sometime?" She held her breath for a moment, staring deep into her eyes. And finally, her smile blossomed full and true. "Alonzo, I would love to." Holding the flowers close, Julia stepped back inside her tent and bade him farewell. There would be no kiss of parting, there might not be for quite some time yet, but Julia didn't care. It was time for a new beginning and this time, they would do it right. --END-- Characters are owned by Amblin Entertainment and Universal Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended.